Goddammit: Noah’s Ark (Part 2 of 2)

ANIMALS

Do you think Noah blew a fuse a few times during this whole ordeal? 

“God…do we really need the gnats?”

Personally, I’d rather drown than catch two gnats. How are you supposed to even check the gender? “Oh shit…these gnats aren’t breeding.” How about the Mayflies? They live a day. GOT ‘EM…and they’re dead. I have a college degree and Siri — I can’t tell the difference between a squirrel and a chipmunk. GOOGLE COULDN’T ACCOMPLISH THIS FEAT. Yet…here is Noah. Wearing adult diapers. He’s on top of it. 

I’m not a scientist, or a zoologist (if I were, I’m sure I’d have no issue whatsoever with this story) — but aren’t animals specific to regions of the world? Who went and fetched the penguins and the anacondas? I’m sure the world was geographically different back then…but it still was the same size right? This place is pretty big. How’d the roadrunner hop aboard? Roadrunners are indigenous to the Southwest United States and Mexico. Noah wouldn’t know what to do with a taco if it slapped him in the face (that’s a direct quote from Noah’s wife by the way — WAKA WAKA). 

Can we also talk about the wasted potential? What if we left the Lebron James lions on land and brought the Eric Trump lions instead? We don’t know. We don’t know lions. Who here speaks lion?  I know this is muddying the waters, but just randomly selecting two of each beast greatly increases the odds of some really mediocre animals. Talk about a lack of diversity. Maybe instead of Noah’s Ark, we should call it Noah’s Tech Company. WAKA WAKA. (By the way, if you’re wondering what’s with all the waka wakas — please rest assured that the Fozzy Bears made it safely aboard the ark and fucked like champions.)

LOGISTICS

Let’s wipe the slate clean. Let’s assume there is a logical explanation for the three infallible arguments I laid out above. This is the section where the walls fall down. A man built a boat, that not only survived a massive flood, but also housed and kept EVERY species of animal alive on said boat for over a year. This man was 800 years old. He had minimal help. He had, as far as we know, minimal boat building experience. 

Go outside right now. Try and build a boat the size of a shoe box. You’ll rip your fucking hair out.

Next, go to the airport, and watch a person bringing their dog on a flight. One single animal — going on an already built airplane, manned by trained pilots with built-in protocol for said dog. LOOK AT THE STRESS AND TERROR ON THAT DOG OWNER’S FACE! 

FOOD: What in the living fuck did all these things eat. Seriously…how many species didn’t make it off the boat? The wurrburries were the most charming creatures…but unfortunately they tasted delicious. You’d need a second boat the size of Texas just to set up the agricultural system required to feed the amount of herbivorous beasts aboard the ark. And that’s the easy part. What the fuck do the tigers eat for a year? Communion bread? Those things would go fucking nuts. They’d eat their young. Maybe that was the key. Each animal had a baby and ate it. Oh sweet — it’s Darren Aronofysky’s Mother. Even if that was the case — things like cannibalism and incest have consequences. What a foundation for the future of not just humanity, but the world, this disaster lays. (Actually, this is kind of starting to make sense.)

SHIT: Or maybe — the animals ate the shit? The hours required to clean cages at a ranch or farm is a full time job for 5 or so people. Elephants don’t live on farms, but if they did, you may want to hire a few extra farm hands. 7 days in and you’re not living on a boat. You’re living on a giant, wooden, floating toilet.  Buffalo shit. Donkey piss. IT’S JUST EXPLODING OUT OF THESE THINGS. Fuck the water — you’re drowning in excrement. Seriously, give me the fucking bullet. “God — So…I really appreciate the second chance here — but I’m drowning in shit.” 

WATER: You can’t cannibalize water. What did these things all drink? The rainwater from the flood? Okay…how? The sophistication of an irrigation system of this nature is mind-boggling. You can’t go communal watering hole…the starving animals would riot. The amount of water required to keep this quantity of animals alive also may surpass what the flood coming down on a single boat could provide. Last but not least, it STOPPED raining, and they had to sail about setting doves free to look for land for a few weeks. Everyone and everything, with the exception of a few animals such as the camels,  would have died of dehydration. 

CONCLUSION

Okay — I hate to say this, but this whole thing actually makes a lot of sense as a myth. Mythology is born out of humanity’s desire to explain the unexplainable. Zeus throws lightning bolts. Moses brings plagues, and God floods the swamp. It’s a non-scientific explanation to an event that rises above the limits of knowledge at the time. It’s understandable and forgivable. And it’s part of the very fabric of our history. 

Here is what’s not forgivable: continuing to lean on myth as fact. Hurricane Katrina was not a failed Noah’s Ark sequel. It was a hurricane. It was not an act of God. It was an act of nature. A repercussion of environmental factors, that in all honesty, were most likely caused by the behavior and poor decision making of humans. Perhaps humans are the very God they fear and aspire to be. But even in the mythology, that God has flaws. 

Everything I write is satirical. I subscribe to the bible of Ferris Bueller: You shouldn’t take life too seriously, you might not get out alive. But I will say this in all seriousness — Ignorance is dangerous. Those who lean on myth to shape their lives and faith to shape their fate are not those who would have been chosen to board an imaginary boat to restart the human race, if in fact an all-knowing, all-loving, and all-seeing God were watching over us.

Or maybe this is just a metaphor for humanity’s constant struggle. That sometimes, the sky just opens up and urinates on you. And all you can do, in that moment of life-piss is build an impossible boat. I like that better. Let’s go with that. ‘Cause you know what? When the sky darkens and the task at hand seems impossible, sometimes all you can do is have a little faith. 

END