Goddammit: Noah’s Ark (Part 1 of 2)

INTRODUCTION

I bet if they could rewrite the bible, they’d think twice about a lot of it. The whole thing is filled with absurdities. Have you ever gotten into a conversation, or dare I say, an argument with a dingbat zealot about the absurdity of their beliefs? They all fall back on the same lame line: You just gotta have faith. That’s what they like to tell you. The fact that people still take it literally as adults is baffling to me. Of all the “leaps” people of faith are required to take in order to swallow pages upon pages of fantasy as fact and scripture, the one that really kills me is Noah’s Ark. 

If you don’t know the story, I’m surprised you made it this far in life. But in an effort not to exclude any of my readers, allow me to quickly summarize. One day, God got mad at everyone except for a guy named Noah. So he and Noah decided to sniff some glue and come up with a plan. The plan was to drown EVERY PERSON except for Noah and his family. How do Noah and the animals survive? By building a giant boat, of course. It rains and rains. People drown and drown. And at the end of it all, Noah and his boat full of animals end up restarting life as we know it, one inbred fuck at a time. 

Back to the present day. If you think the story is nuts (and congratulations if you do—you have a fully formed human brain), get a load of this! People are still looking for this giant imaginary boat. That’s time well spent. 

“Hey Doug — do you think we should look into curing cancer?” 

“Nope. Busy. Looking for this big imaginary boat I read about in a book of fairy tales. We have automated space crafts taking photos of Pluto right now… but  we can’t track down this giant boat for the life of us!”

You just gotta have faith. That’s what they tell you. When you raise an eyebrow and try not to start laughing at the thought of a GOD who LOVES us so much he DROWNS us — that’s their retort. An answer to everything. It really is brilliant, as it’s impossible to dispute one’s opinion on the supernatural. If you tell me that a person rose from the dead, I’d say that’s impossible. If you told me that I just don’t get it because I’m a non believer — I’d say you’re right. I don’t have faith. I have logic. And reason.  So, even though nobody asked me to, I’m going to map this out and, like a vengeful, arrogant, rage-filled God, drown you all in a sea of logic.

GOD

Let’s start Macro level here. God. The Almighty. The MASTER CREATOR OF ALL THAT IS! Bruh. Are  you serious? I mean…this is a terrible idea. You created not just Earth, but all of existence in 6 days. Sure it was hard — you took Sunday off…but still, 6 days. You can’t binge watch Game of Thrones in 6 days. If things had really gone this poorly—where everyone is just a sinful dick, and they needed to be DROWNED in an onslaught of furious flood-wrath, why not just say FUCK YOU ALL and start over? That Adam and Eve were trouble from the start! Was it just too hard to say goodbye to Noah? He’s 800! I’m sure he’d rather be in heaven where he could be, I dunno….. 27, with a working johnson and skin that didn’t resemble the wings on a moth. 

Here’s my question though (or at least one of many) — aren’t you partially to blame here, God? This whole thing is your creation. What happened here? When Carrie Underwood told Jesus to take the wheel, I think she assumed he wouldn’t be drunk and whacked out on barbiturates (by the way, letting Jesus take the wheel…not such a great idea in hindsight, Carrie).  

Also, how are post-flood people supposed to truly believe that God “Loves Us”? He “drowns” because he “cares.” Accept Jesus into your heart…and also fluid into your lungs. Exhibit A that this is bullshit: God is a dick who takes no responsibility for the mess he hath made. 

Exhibit B: this plan fucking sucks. Someone who created the circulatory system and gravity came up with this? Say you did decide that Noah and his family were just the kind of old inbreeding party crew this world needed to truly attain its potential and destiny, why not just whip up a virus or plague and spare fam Noah? Then you don’t worry about boats, and beasts, and floods. 

Instead,  some patient zero monkey spits in the eye of Ezekial, and then everyone is dead except 10 people with a gene mutation. (BTW I’m totally a scientist. This shit is scientific as hell.) You don’t drown all of your plants (which the Ark animals need to eat).  You don’t have to worry about draining the flood. You don’t have to teach a person older than a fossil how to build a GIANT ASS BOAT. AND You don’t MURDER nearly every land based organism on the planet. Just imagine the amount of puppies that got washed out in this disaster. God is a puppy killer. HOW COULD YOU, you cold-hearted-Cruella-DeVille-evil-fuck-of-a-monster?

I guess my question is this: If you are God, and you can do anything… why this? This solution is idiotically Trumpian. AND DID IT EVEN WORK? LOOK AT WHERE WE ARE NOW?! We’re just building stupid imaginary walls instead of stupid imaginary boats. I refuse to believe that a God that got upset when people ate cheese on the wrong day is just suddenly “cool” with the shit happening on Twitter. Sure…he wipes out people here and there with a natural disaster every now and then. But the bottom line is that there are innocent children starving in Africa, and Cardi B just bought another Ferrari. Break out the rain dance — it’s a disaster. 

MAN

Before we say anything – let’s just say this. The humans in this story don’t appear to be real humans. To start with. They are all OLD AS FUCK. I got REALLY confused when I first read it. “Wait a minute… is Noah actually a sea turtle or a redwood tree?” 

I get the “faith” thing. But this is a bit much, yes? Hey I have a question, can you name a few things that lead to babies with serious issues? Yes…in the front… 

DING DING DING. 

Old Sperm and eggs: that’s not the breakfast of champions the rebirth of humanity needs. But it’s not just old sperm and eggs. It’s INBRED old sperm and eggs. You know…inbreeding? That word we use to describe Arkansas or the cast from Jersey Shore.  Seriously, is this our origin story? Because it explains a lot. How did Steve Jobs overcome this? Maybe he was one of the people that evolved from the evolutionary superior chimpanzees on the ark as opposed to the inbred-boat-bum-Noah-spawn. Ironic that  a guy who probably had been impotent for the past 820 years is charged with ERECTING the world’s largest wooden structure ever. The two Fozzy Bears on the ark just waka-waka’d in unison. HEYO! That’s how I roll people. 

You know what… Let’s just turn a blind eye to 900 year old people procreating. You just gotta have faith. Can we talk about the boat? This 900 year old guy needs help. I’m 35 with access to the internet and I need help building a piece of IKEA furniture. 

Even his shitty neighbors probably helped a bit. “Hey Noah — cool boat…what’s it for?” Funny you should ask. It’s for your funeral Carl. You’re dead in the water. LITERALLY. “Hey Carl, can I borrow your hammer?” “Sure thing Noah, just bring it back!” Oh Carl…if only you knew. 

In addition to the “age” flaw, I feel we should also mention the “history” flaw/flaws. Back in the day, all people had were stories. This flood seems like a big one. If it is true and we are all descendants of Noah (take THAT 23 and me!) then how did the Native Americans just end up in North America? The Chinese in China? Those people don’t give a shit about this boat story. And I have to tell you: if this type of thing happened to a relative of yours, it’s not the type of thing you just leave out of your 3rd grade project. Is it at all possible that God just drowned the bad Christians and left the inevitably doomed heathens be? 

Highly unlikely — the reason they don’t have this story is that it was written before the internet. The world has always been large, but civilization used to be much much smaller. Stories AND facts traveled through word of mouth. Knowledge was scarce and a valuable commodity. And people were gullible. Because they didn’t have the internet (well…yeah…). Or planes. Or even cars. They had a 20 mile radius that was their whole life. Nowadays, I can tell you what the weather is going to be like tomorrow in Tokyo. Build me a time machine…and I’m God. JUST BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TOKYO IS. 

END PART 1