PART 3
GREED (SEVENTH CIRCLE):
IKEA does not exist in a world without greed. They sell you an idea — an idea that you can have it all. Your friends will swoon when they walk into your studio apartment and notice your new polka dot rug. You enter the store and pick up a giant bag that you will inevitably fill with crap. You know that feeling when you’re moving, and you have every box but one packed? And it’s just a collection of “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING” things? The nick-knacks and paddy-whacks. The Hey Arnold Pez dispensers and crazy straws. That picture frame someone gave you for a world where nobody takes real pictures anymore…that is the shit you are about to put in that bag full of crap. So go nuts champ. Give a dog a bone, and give yourself the gift of a royal pain in the pooter 4 years down the line. As you walk through the store, you can’t shake the feeling that one day, all of this stuff will be sitting in a landfill — long after you have left this earth.
By the time the store spits you out into the warehouse — shitting you into a void of endless isles of cardboard boxes, each holding a unique nightmare conceived by none other than the Jigsaw killer — it hits you: you’re holding a bag full of shit, and you’re about to go track down 8 cardboard boxes filled with life-ruining sub-par furniture.
You now stand in line, wearing the chains you forged in life. You’re Marley and Marley, Avarice and Greed. The expression on Michael Cain’s face is the face I wear when I stumble into the warehouse. Oh I’m sorry — there’s only Jacob Marley in the original A Christmas Carol and you wanna knock me for preferring the Muppets version over Dickens? Got an “A” in Dickens Literature — GO BANANA SLUGS!
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WRATH (EIGHTH CIRCLE):
You’ve made it home with your car full of shit. You’ve escaped. You’ve awoken from the nightmare… right? WRONG!
Let me ask a question: “Have you ever tried to build anything from IKEA?” That cold spurt of adrenaline is unmistakable upon opening a box the size of Rhode Island. You pull out one giant piece after another, followed by a giant bag of screws and bolts that just decided to use the metric system because LOL isn’t that adorable. IF they provide tools, they are completely useless.
You think that’s rock bottom? No. Unfortunately…No.
Last but not least you pull out the instructions. It’s hard to tell if it’s a pamphlet, a book, or just a heinous crime against humanity. THERE ARE NO WORDS. HA. HAHAHA. WHY USE WORDS? LIFE IS BUT A GAME, AND I DON’T EVEN CARE ABOUT MY SATURDAY. LA LA LA DI LA.
I bet around this point, you’re probably thinking — GOD this guy complains SO MUCH. IKEA isn’t that bad, and honestly, this all feels like it’s at least a little embellished. Oh? Please see the below figure. It’s the PDF of an instruction manual to build a “Billy,” or a “bookshelf” as we would call it on planet Earth. I’ve taken the liberty of narrating the saga below.
I present to you, How to build a Billy:
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THE TWO HEADED DEVIL (NINTH CIRCLE):
Dante’s devil had three faces. Mine has only two. They are identical. And they sit at opposite ends of the greatest torture device the modern world has to offer: the IKEA Allen Key. It has taken more hands than machinery accidents, gangrene, bear traps, and buzz-saws all combined. This “tool” was first conceived in a weapons lab during an experiment where scientists tried to build a device that would deliver both mental and physical anguish. It doesn’t look like much, but when all is said and done, it will have eaten your hands and sapped your will. Jaime Lannister didn’t get his hand chopped off by some maniac — dude just built a dresser.
Trying to build anything with this cursed nubbin is insane. I pay taxes. I’m an adult. You’re telling me that after buying a bed frame, I now need to assemble it with this “Allen key”? Fuck you. I’ll take a double scotch. If someone ever did something truly terrible to me, and I wanted to punish them in the most savage way possible — I’d drop them in the middle of the woods with nothing but this Allen key, similar to how Spartan warriors were trained as children.
What’s that you say? This is madness? THIS. IS. IKEA!
END
Death By Content 
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