USA Mock Re-Draft: Rounds 4 & 5

We’ve arrived at the two final rounds of the great USA Re-draft! Just as a quick reminder, you can catch up on Rounds 1-3 and get all the ins and outs of how this works by catching up on the below links.

ROUND 1
ROUNDS 2 & 3

Also, as a reminder, I’ll be posting one last piece to put a cherry on top of this whole banana split next Sunday. That will cover trades, final thoughts, and any extra tidbits that may arise. Before we dive in, here is a quick picture of where we stand after 3 rounds:

Without further ado…Here. We. Go.

ROUND 4

PICK 31 – Arizona (BIBLE)

Can’t build a wall without a southern border. By selecting this western red state with dirt as orange as Trump himself, it’s a way to keep an eye on the west and fulfill his dream of building that stupid wall.

PICK 32 – North Dakota (FREEDOM)

This draft is starting to take shape as shared borders and boundaries seem to be carrying more value than what the states are known for in their current iteration. Along with securing the entire Western coast, Team Freedom now has control of the entire western Canadian border, from Washington to Michigan. Trump slams his fist seeing a vital red state that would’ve disrupted his adversaries plans slip through his fingers like Arizona desert sands.

PICK 33 – New Mexico (BIBLE)

Build the wall chants rally throughout Bible Obesity Land! Stable Genius Super Leader Trump announces the pick saying “NEW Mexico…I didn’t like the old one! I hereby name this great great state, New America!”.

PICK 34 – Iowa (FREEDOM)

Simply just too much value to pass up here. And that’s all I could think to type about Iowa.

PICK 35 – Tennessee (BIBLE)

This heartland pick makes a lot of sense for team Bible. With country music and barbecue galore, this seems to be a solid pick. (DAMMIT OBAMA – PICK A STATE THAT CAN MAKE SOME FUCKING BARBECUE MAN!)

PICK 36 – Nevada (FREEDOM)

Las Vegas is fun…the rest of the state is kinda terrifying. It’ll serve as a nice buffer of desert between the coast and the cast of The Hills Have Eyes that appear to occupy the middle of the country in current form.

PICK 37 – Louisiana (BIBLE) 

New Orleans is a wonderful city, but this state and Trump are meant to be. Trump calls Drew Brees on speaker phone at a press conference and says “thanks for saying that about the flag” and hangs up before Brees can explain.

PICK 38 – South Dakota (FREEDOM) 

Makes sense with how the big picture is coming together geographically. Plus, this way Trump can’t chisel his face over Lincoln’s on Mt Rushmore.

PICK 39 – Oklahoma (BIBLE)

A pick for Trump’s base. He thinks the shape is funny and makes mention of this every chance he gets. He immediately talks about erecting statues of great great men (meaning himself) across the Sooner state as he chuckles. When they ask how long until the statues arrive, he says “Sooner. Very sooner.” He then compliments the musical and takes a nap.

PICK 40 – Delaware (FREEDOM)

Everyone is baffled until they look at the map and see that Team Freedom have dropped an itty-bitty turd in the punch-bowl on Trump’s desired eastern seaboard dominance. He could relinquish Massachusetts, but this makes him go from Orange Julius to Orange FURIOUS. It doesn’t help that Obama announces that Delaware will now be known as “The Tiny Penis state” and will house the “Donald Trump Museum of Micro Penises”. Orange…turns red.

ROUND 5

PICK 41 – Alabama (BIBLE)

Grand Ruler Forever Donald Trump picks with his heart and chooses the hometown state of his favorite movie protagonist – Forrest Gump. His first order of business is launching the Trump n’ Gump 5K and surprises everyone when he comes in 1st in his age group. One of the locals remarks the following:

PICK 42 – Wyoming (FREEDOM)

Why this pick? It’s slim pickings at this point in the draft. That’s Why…oming.

PICK 43 – Mississippi (BIBLE)

Trump can’t spell it..but he knows it’s a state packed with his people. There’s a confederate flag within the state flag. Classy group of folks.

PICK 44 – West Virginia (FREEDOM)

That John Denver’s full of shit.

PICK 45 – Kentucky (BIBLE)

A sneaky “fried chicken” value pick late in the draft. Grease and mullets. A match made in heaven.

PICK 46 – Kansas (FREEDOM)

All we are is dust in the wind. And all Kansas is…is dust and wind. But they do have this scene: Topeka!

PICK 47 – Arkansas (BIBLE) 

You could have argued just picking nothing would have been better. And I would not have argued with you.

PICK 48 – Maine (FREEDOM) 

Huge value pick – they sealed this off early in the draft and it paid dividends late.

PICK 49 – Rhode Island (BIBLE)

Trump takes the final pick off his board, declares victory, and his draft the greatest draft in the history of anything. A very good job.

PICK 50 – Alaska (FREEDOM)

Trump looks around dumbfounded and asks his team “can he do that?”. It appears that this is a BRILLIANT move by team Freedom as they predicted correctly that Donald would forget that Alaska is part of the United States.

There it is. I’m sure some of you are stoked, some of you are pissed, and some of your are devastated. But before we jump to any conclusions, remember that this is not final. We’ll be back next week with the FINAL PIECE OF THE PUZZLE where we’ll discuss post draft trades, grades, and more.