USA Mock Re-Draft: Rounds 2 & 3

Welcome back to rounds 2 & 3 of our 5 round USA Redraft. If you missed Round 1, you can find it HERE.

A quick recap. New York went 1st, California went 2nd, and priorities were placed on securing coastal states. You can see how Round 1 played out in the map below.

And with that my friends, we dive into the next two rounds!

ROUND 2

PICK 11 – Maryland (BIBLE)

Team Captain and Supreme Ruler Trump is set on the White House being the Winterfell for the Trumps (there must always be a Trump in Washington – and yes, Kushner is the dude that gets his sausage shanked off) and takes Maryland to lock down the White House in conjunction with the selection of Virginia.

PICK 12 – Minnesota (FREEDOM)

Seen as the catalyst for this whole entire separation, Obama makes his first pick in the Midwest to set a tone. Minnesota has its share of problems (no shit, right), but also boasts several appealing characteristics and consistently scores in the top 5 overall state rankings. It gets cold as fuck – and with Michigan and Illinois on the board…it’s a bit of a questionable pick.

PICK 13 – Missouri (BIBLE)

Feeling the pressure from his base, Trump selects Missouri. It’s clearly a pick designed to sell tickets and is the first major reach for team Trump. But with him taking 3 out of 5 blue states in the first round, he needs to start making amends with his rabid pack of dim witted jackals. St Louis has baseball and barbecue…two things dear to the Don (well…he likes barbecue sauce with his McNuggets). It also helps nip the democratic uprising in the recent elections there in the bud.

PICK 14 – New Hampshire (FREEDOM)

Solid value pick here as team Freedom now nabs all three top states on the board. It’s small…so that counts against it. But bordering with Massachusetts and top 5 scores in multiple categories makes this too much value to pass up at this juncture. Plus…it’s just fun to say! NEW HAMPSHIRE!

PICK 15 – Georgia (BIBLE)

Trump desperately wants to pick in the Northeast, but knows his base will kill him for it. Instead he makes a genius pick with Georgia – a state that both represents the oppression of the past and the hope of the future. With Georgia in the bag, Trump gets a solid pick that further fortifies his grip on the Atlantic Coast. Sorry Atlanta 😞

PICK 16 – Wisconsin (FREEDOM)

Tough call – but Obama’s Midwest roots combined with extremely high value win out here. Illinois is wondering why it’s native son doesn’t love them, but Wisconsin is simply the better value at this point in the draft. It’s lake proximity and size make it too much to pass up. Plus – THE FOOD. THE BEER. THE CHEESE!

PICK 17 – New Jersey (BIBLE) 

Seen as an extension of New York, Trump can’t help but pounce on this value pick. The fact that it’s infrastructure is already routed directly into New York makes it too much to pass up late in the 2nd round. Plus – it comes with these!

PICK 18 – Vermont (FREEDOM) 

At first, everyone is wondering what the fuck is he doing?! But when you look at the map, you realize he basically nabs a 2 for 1 with this move. It’s a tremendous value pick that practically renders Maine un-pickable for Team Bible. It ranks tremendously high in multiple categories and continues to fortify the northeastern gateway into Canada. Is it as fun to say as New Hampshire? No…but the maple syrup is top notch.

PICK 19 – North Carolina (BIBLE)

The Coasts matter – and Team Bible picks up another solid value pick here given the current infrastructure of the previous picks. It’s tough on crime and has a solid economy, two things that Trump values. Out of sheer vanity he insists UNC and Duke both change their school colors from different shades of blue to shades of orange. The Duke Orange Devils does have a nice ring to it.

PICK 20 – Hawaii (FREEDOM)

A bit of a surprise here, but it puts the bow on team Freedom’s domination of the Pacific coast. Plus – it has personal meaning to Obama as he has roots there. Oh…and also…Hawaii is amazing. Have you ever been there? I would’ve picked it first. I’ll have 11 Mai Tais please.

ROUND 3

PICK 21 – Indiana (BIBLE)

Team Captain, Supreme Ruler, and Lord of the Onion Rings Trump opens up round 3 by picking Mike Pence’s state. This is a tremendous reach, especially with Pennsylvania, Iowa, and Michigan still on the board. But Mike Pence’s sad crash test dummy face seals it for the Don. He makes the pick, looks over at Mike Pence, gives a corny thumbs up and goes you’re still my number 3.

PICK 22 – Illinois (FREEDOM)

Obama gets his state. Complete with the great city of Chicago, and world class universities. With the Windy City and further Real Estate on the Great Lakes in tow, Team Freedom starts to establish a dominate hold on another key region.

PICK 23 – South Carolina (BIBLE)

Similar to the Oregon pick, in the first round, this is a bit of a reach. But it’s hard to knock as it locks in the South Eastern Coast. It would have been interesting if Team Freedom had grabbed this as a possible trade leverage asset, but nobody is shedding major tears about missing out here.

PICK 24 – Michigan (FREEDOM)

Team Freedom stays in the Midwest. While it has been a while since Michigan’s flagship city Detroit has been on top, there’s no reason that it can’t return to prominence under some new guidance and leadership. Plus, the automobile industry is…yeah…

PICK 25 – Nebraska (BIBLE)

This ends Nebraska’s tumble. It’s not sexy, but neither is Trump or his people (THE UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE CENTURY). It gets the job done, and hearkens back to the church-going corn-farming days of yore that Trump’s followers so dearly want to restore their country too. It has surprisingly good infrastructure and agricultural value. Not a lot to look at, but they have their fair share of McDonalds, corn, and cows.

PICK 26 – Montana (FREEDOM)

Maybe the Utah pick scared Team Freedom here as it’s yet another reach…However, it’s a LOT of land and borders our neighbors to the north. Yellowstone National Park and scenic beauty also are a symbol of the green new way of life Team Freedom wishes to build its house on. Hello Big Sky.

PICK 27 – Pennsylvania (BIBLE) 

Team Freedom is wondering whether they should’ve waited on the Montana pick, as Team Bible takes their next pick right from under them. Trump snatches up Pennsylvania and expands his North East empire. It’s arguably the best pick of the draft, and should never have lasted this long. But people from Philly are really that terrible (I’m JOKING). The Liberty bell is glued back together since the crack made Trump feel sad. Very sad. 

PICK 28 – Ohio (FREEDOM) 

This is a “stop the bleeding” retaliation pick. Nothing too splashy here, but it claims the Midwest in addition to the west coast for Team Freedom. Still…one has to wonder if Iowa would have been the far better pick here as it’s value far outweighs Ohio in the rankings.

PICK 29 – Connecticut (BIBLE)

Team Bible starts to get impatient with back to back East Coast blue states picked, but Trump stays true to his plan of insulating his crown jewel and empire. Although it’s a blue state, it’s really more of a white state. Very white, very wealthy…very Trump.

PICK 30 – Idaho (FREEDOM)

Good value. Solid economic infrastructure. Further western asset collection. And hey – who doesn’t love potatoes?!