Over the next 4 weeks, I’ll be posting 4 installments of this thought exercise. I hope you enjoy it. If sports, satirical politics, or fun aren’t your thing – we’ll be back with our regularly scheduled programming in July.
– Mo
DISCLAIMER: This is a thought exercise. It is in no way designed or intended to make light of, capitalize on, or disrespect the current set of abhorrent events and circumstances resulting from racism and systemic oppression of People of color. It’s simply a hypothetical situation. A thought exercise.
INTRODUCTION:
The United States is like that grandparent that you always looked up to as a kid. They fought in a war. They drank straight whiskey. But when they got older…and YOU got older…you realized that Gramps isn’t all you thought he was when you were young. That’s how I feel about America right now. Don’t laugh…but growing up, I thought this was the greatest country on Earth. I thought the forefathers were good guys. But here’s the rub – being a good guy 250 years ago doesn’t cut it today. We know too much. You wouldn’t stick some leeches on your balls to cure Covid would you? Then why are we glorifying the same rules and ideologies of a country built on slavery, hegemony, genocide, and racism nearly 250 years ago?
This was a country founded on the concept of freedom through revolution. So here we go again. Since ol’ George, Tommy-Jeff, and the rest of the Hamilton cast all gave the middle finger to the Brits some 244 years ago…a lot has changed.
For example, the population in 1776? Approximately 2 Million people. What is it currently? 328 Million. It’s grown 164x. We’ve also had significant technological gains. The automobile, the atom bomb, the internet, and the iPhone. I don’t care how great of a product the constitution and democracy is…scaling to this magnitude is nearly impossible for anyone or anything. We’re too big. Too smart. Too dumb. Too greedy. Too divided.
The facts above leave us here. This house needs a new foundation. We can’t keep building stories upon stories on what was originally a 2 story house! There are systemic issues rooted in its core that can only be removed by starting from scratch. Now this is not what some people want to hear. Some people (let’s call them…half the country), are really thrilled with the old way. AKA – the current way. With Donald Trump as the president. With a wall being built to keep Mexicans out. With racism, oppression, and discrimination. They want to live in the fairy land promised to them by their grandfathers and history books. That half….not my favorite half.
And then there’s the other half. Those that are sick of seeing the same wrongs happen over and over again. Those that want what’s better than the past.
Look at the country…the social media platforms. The elections. This is a country divided. It’s in our nature, and in the fabric of the country to heal. But let me ask you this: Is it worth wasting our breath on the alt right nut bags bringing AR 15s to peaceful protests? Is it worth putting up with Fox News? That Tucker Carlson guy is a sack of shit. If these people show up at a party or a bar, do you try to convince them to change? Fuck no. You go to another bar…because they just walked in with assault rifles!
And for Tucker Carlson and the wing nuts: Wouldn’t you rather just sit in your walled off above ground swimming pools with your fellow zealots? Of course you would! It’s the same shit you’ve been asking for! Have Jimmy fetch you another cup of Kool-Aid. Those Alabama summers are COOKIN’.
Perhaps we’ve come to an inflection point where we all need to just go our separate ways. This country needs a divorce. Mom and Dad still love each other (not really – they fucking hate each other)…and it’s not your fault Timmy (GOD. DAMMIT. TIMMY.), but now we’re gonna have two Christmases.
For the purposes of this thought exercise, we are going to agree to go our separate ways.
Instead forming two countries and hosting a LIVE TELEVISED DRAFT on ESPN as we split up assets fairly and reasonably in a semi-amicable divorce (aka not going to war, but we still hate each other’s guts). First things first, we need each new country to have a name and a ‘leader/captain’ to help put together and implement a new foundation.
COUNTRY 1 – TEAM BIBLE:
Team Captain: Donald Trump
COUNTRY 2 – TEAM FREEDOM
Team Captain: Barack Obama
EVERY DRAFT NEEDS RULES!
- We will be splitting up the United States in an alternating draft. I used these rankings, strategy, humor, and common sense to order the draft. If you disagree with my rankings. Totally fine.
- Trades are allowed! But will be covered after the draft.
- If you are living in a state that is drafted by the team you hate (for example, if Team Bible took California I’d light something on fire), everyone will be given free relocation opportunities.
- No more USA – no more democrats and republicans. Which means things like Electoral Votes don’t matter for shit. Good riddance to this! To quote the great philosopher ICE T – two wings of the same bird.
- Five Rounds – We will be breaking this into five 10 state rounds.
- Washington DC is included in Maryland (even though it borders on DC and Maryland).
- Being at a significant cerebral disadvantage…Team Bible will pick first.
Without further ado, let’s get to it.
ROUND 1
PICK 1 – New York (BIBLE)
We start out with controversy as Team Captain Trump of Team Bible picks his hometown state. It’s certainly not a bad pick…with New York City, diversity, wealth, and access to the Atlantic coast being part of the package. This is a vanity pick, as Trump is allowed to rule Mordor out of his giant golden phallic tower. However, the state’s diverse population doesn’t resonate with much of his base and the pick elicits boos from the right side of the rafters.
The state itself isn’t much happier, and in an act of defiance, Trump tower is burned to the ground when someone throws a flaming diaper through one of the windows of the tower. They then immediately proceed to pack their fucking bags and see how the rest of this draft plays out.
PICK 2 – California (FREEDOM)
Even though Team Freedom is sad to see New York go, they can’t complain about getting the top pick on their board. The Golden State has not one, but two of the world’s most prosperous and diverse cities in Los Angeles and San Francisco. Bonus – it’s about as far as you can get away from Trump’s Mordor flaming diaper dumpster tower. Stanford, Cal Tech, and the UC system also provide academic excellence, and Silicon Valley and Hollywood both provide two monstrous industries to help keep the lights on.
Clint Eastwood and some other geezers are less than pleased. He works himself into such a tizzy that he falls and breaks his hip.
PICK 3 – Florida (BIBLE)
Team Trump locks in the home of his beloved Mar a Lago, anchoring in another monster on the Atlantic. Although he’s not thrilled about the high quantity of LatinX citizens, he feels confident he can extract them all through a series of deceitful tweets over the course of the next few years. Trump then promises to get rid of all the sharks and convert the entire state into a golf course. The old people are ecstatic. The oranges match Donald’s skin. It’s meant to be.
PICK 4 – Massachusetts (FREEDOM)
Aside from the obvious associations with liberty, the state gives Freedom access to the Atlantic, and a connection to Europe. It also has a solid infrastructure for Education (Harvard & MIT) and repeatedly scores highly in multiple categories. Sure…it’s full of Massholes. Sure…that Ben Affleck back tattoo happened (Seriously Ben. What the fuck is that?). But drop your R’s, and raise a cup of chowda and a cold Sam Adams to your new East Coast neighbors – welcome aboard.
PICK 5 – Texas (BIBLE)
As predicted, Team Trump is going after border/coastal states with large populations and economies. Texas is big, Christian, and full of meat. It also contains a lot of borderland ripe for wall building. Austin and Coach Pop are bummed. The rest of the state is stoked.
PICK 6 – Washington (FREEDOM)
Team freedom continues to prioritize the west coast. Adding Washington adds access to the Canadian border and economic powerhouses Amazon and Microsoft. A lover of basketball, Obama also brings back the Seattle Supersonics. It rains a shit ton…which is a down side. But fuck it. Buy an umbrella.
PICK 7 – Virginia (BIBLE)
A bit of a shocker, but clearly a Nostalgia pick. Team bible picks with their heart and selects the very state where this country put down roots. Solid education, and lots and lots of rich white people were too good to pass up. Another move towards locking down the Eastern seaboard doesn’t hurt either. Trump promises to restore the Tobacco industry and shares a touching father/son moment with Barron when the two share Barron’s first Virginia Slim.
PICK 8 – Oregon (FREEDOM)
Considered the first major REACH in the draft, team Freedom prioritizes ownership of the Western coast. With California, Oregon, and Washington locked into place, Freedom controls the Pacific. A pick clearly based on “fit”, but the Economic and infrastructure strengths also play in nicely with the overall strategy.
PICK 9 – Utah (BIBLE)
Put on your sunscreen team Bible. Captain Trump makes a smart pick here. Utah scores remarkably well in almost every category currently used to rank states. Scoring in the top 10 of half of the key categories including health care, fiscal stability, and economy, Team Bible lands its western outpost at a high value pick. Trump is especially intrigued by the polygamy aspect of the religion, and reveals that Eric Trump’s middle name is actually Utah (although he was named after the Point Break character, and not the state itself).
PICK 10 – Colorado (FREEDOM)
A safe pick to close out the first round. Colorado is a key part of Freedom’s plan to legalize Marijuana nationally. It’s ranked in the top 10 in the past 3 years, and even though it’s expensive, its top ranked economy and solid infrastructure and education make it a desirable addition. Smoke ’em if you got ’em.
END ROUND 1
Death By Content 
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