The other night I had about 90 minutes of precious free time before bed to watch some TV or a movie. My 5 year old was fast asleep, and after a long week, I was ready to turn my brain off and drool at my television. My wife and I have a 50 inch flat-screen in our bedroom (because this is America). It’s a “smart TV” and hence, does not need to be hooked up to cable. Instead, I have Netflix, Amazon Prime, HBO, Starz, etcetera — all streaming directly into my bedroom.
Sounds fucking rad, right? This is how my 90 minutes played out.
MINUTE 1: So what to watch? Let me start by saying that if you don’t know going in, you’re already fucked. You won’t be watching anything. Instead, you will be BROWSING. First you go to Netflix. And are given two choices. Some shit you haven’t seen before, or some shit you’ve seen and can watch again. Usually, and I’m just speaking for myself here, I prefer to watch something new. Life is too short, and as much as I love re-watching classics, I can’t stand the thought of missing out on something new. A couple minutes in, and I’m two decisions deep — DECISION 1: Netflix. DECISION 2: New Material.
But then I start looking at ALL OF THE OPTIONS. And this is where things truly start going wrong. I’m interested in all of it. Yet I can’t commit to any of it. I start to browse.
MINUTE 5: I decide that Netflix has some stuff that looks interesting, but I don’t really see “THE ONE” and exit out of the app. Now…I’m right back where I started. I dive into Amazon Prime and start the whole process over. And, shocker — more of the same. Things start to become maddening.
MINUTE 10: I go back to Netflix and pick something they recommend. A NETFLIX ORIGINAL! I watch it for ten minutes before looking over at my wife and saying, “This is bad, right?”
She’s asleep. I don’t blame her.
MINUTE 20: Adam Sandler has a new movie — another NETFLIX ORIGINAL! Yeah right, fool me once, shame on you. I’m passing on this.
MINUTE 30: I’m in hell. The only things that look good are things I’ve seen a hundred times already. Maybe I’ll just watch the first hour of Goodfellas, that’s a safe road to take! No…I should branch out. There is SO much great stuff I haven’t seen.
MINUTE 35: I put on 13 Reasons Why because I heard young and cool people discussing it at work.
MINUTE 40: Well that was a fucking mistake. Back to browsing.
MINUTES 41-119: I think I blacked out from hopelessness. I have zero recollection of this time.
HOUR 2: Netflix recommends some stand up comedy. They have a ton of it. I’ve now started to lose track of time and am considering openly weeping about the tragedy unfolding before me. I’ve never missed TBS so much in my life. I BET FORREST GUMP IS ON TBS RIGHT NOW. IT’S ALWAYS ON.
HOUR 9: Where am I? Who am I?
DAY 2: I haven’t showered. I have barely slept or eaten. I am driven by something greater than want, need, or determination. I am now driven by obsession. My obsession is unbreakable. Like Kimmy Schmidt. I try watching that. It’s okay. I exit out of the show. THERE’S GOLD IN THESE HILLS I KNOW IT.
DAY 5: My family has left me. I sit alone in a bed of stale sheets, takeout containers, and tear stains.
DAY 30: There’s a knock at the door. I ignore it and try to watch a documentary about rock climbing. It’s pretty good. But I’m not really in the mood for a rock doc.
DAY 80: It’s Christmas. Merry Christmas. Oh look…pages upon pages of Christmas movies. But what to watch…
DAY 160: Have you seen the movie Se7en, where Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman each deliver virtuoso tour de force performances in a David Fincher masterpiece? It’s amazing. I’ve seen it a couple dozen times. Anyways, it’s on Netflix. I go to click…but I remember molesty Kevin Spacey is in it and decide that even in times of desperation, I can’t go down that road. THANKS FOR RUINING ALL MY FAVORITE MOVIES (not to mention all those innocent people’s lives) KEVIN SPACEY. You’re a piece of cat shit and I hope every film school wipes the record of every movie you ever did except for K-PAX so everyone will think you are as shitty of an actor as you are a person.
DAY 314: Still bed ridden, I realize that this whole thing is an elaborate episode of the hit Netflix series Black Mirror and that I am just a simulation. I’m staring through a screen at myself holding the remote. I scream and bang on the glass but my real self doesn’t hear me. Instead he just scrolls past me, and puts on 13 Reasons Why.
Death By Content 